Behavioral Genetics in the Era of the Social Network?

I was reading an article early this afternoon on behavioral genetics that gave birth to so many questions and resultant trains of thought that it has occupied my mind most of the day. The particular question that most interested me has to do with the differences between men and women with regard to the opinions of others and where it has led.

Women, from the time we are children, seem overly consumed by the strong desire (sometimes a crucial need) to be popular, admired, well thought of, etc. Even by those we don’t particularly think highly of. It is almost as if we cannot see our true reflection; we judge ourselves instead by the opinions of others. “He says I am pretty, therefore I am attractive.” “She says I am intelligent, therefore I am smart.” Much more disastrously, of course, are the negative judgments. “She says I am fat, therefore I am overweight, regardless of what the scales read.”

Men, on the other hand, seem to judge themselves by their deeds. “I beat him in that race, therefore I am fast.” “I carried my sister on my back, therefore I am strong.” Negative judgments are so much easier to dismiss for a boy. “He said I am weak but I can carry my sister so he's wrong.”

I’m not a psychologist. And observations, unless made in a controlled way with many test subjects, are just personal opinion. But IF this is correct, I wondered WHY. Does it have to do with evolution? Is it a throw-back to a time when women, biologically weaker and given to periods of extreme vulnerability (pregnancy, for example), needed the protection of a man/clan to ensure survival? A man, then at least, didn’t need to be liked to survive from adolescence until he became incapable. A woman, on the other hand, needed to attract and retain a mate, not only to become pregnant but to survive pregnancy. Insurance was being well thought of by a clan, in case of the death of her mate. The more desirable females attracted the superior mates/clans, gaining protection during vulnerability, and ensuring her genes were passed to future generations.

Of course, “desirable”, like “beauty”, is in the eye of the beholder. What was considered a desirable woman just a few decades ago differs wildly from what is considered desirable today; imagine how much different a beautiful woman from the dawn of civilization would be from today’s version. Also, in the modern world, an intelligent or resourceful woman, despite her “desirability”, can survive and ensure the survival of her genes. Yet, it seems to me, women are still caught in this evolutionary snare. We still want to be liked, whether or not we need to be.

The real tragedy, it seems to me, lies in what some women are willing to do/become in order to gain acceptability. You need spend only an hour on Facebook to become completely nauseated by my entire gender. The pleas for attention are rampant. Some seem to have made playing the victim role their life’s goal, pouring out their hearts about how vilely they were treated by others so people will “like” their post or provide a virtual {hug}. Others seem to believe sexual availability is the ticket, posting profile pictures verging on the obscene, advertising (I can think of no better word for it) what they have done/are willing to do, (let’s not limit it to) “in the bedroom”. While in some situations, neither behavior might be considered bizarre, when it is taken into consideration that the “friends” of most of the women who behave in this way are complete strangers, I find it deeply disturbing.

Embrace Your Own Darkness

If witches can be said to have a set of commandments by which they are meant to live, arguably “Embrace your own darkness” is the most crucial. In conversation with other witches, I have occasionally wondered if some of them have moved beyond speaking the words to grasping the concept behind those words. I know for certain that the few outside of the community who have heard the expression have little idea of the depth, complexity, and difficulty of this “commandment”.

One way of fully understanding the immensity of the phrase is to begin by examining several components of it in an "it doesn't only mean" fashion.

1. It doesn’t only mean to accept that you are human; a flawed creature who must make mistakes (perhaps the same one repeatedly) in order to learn life’s lessons. That IS a small part of it, but only the tip of the iceberg. That tip is, I find, what most non-witches believe is meant by the expression. I suppose I can understand WHY they believe that to be the case. If you just look at the individual words involved, “Embrace your own darkness” could be misconstrued as meaning “Accept there is some darkness at your core”. That sounds almost as if it is to be celebrated and is most certainly not the case. “OK, I make mistakes. I have faults. Everyone does. I’m going to embrace that fact and move on.” To embrace it, in the context of the "commandment", certainly does NOT mean to hold it in a loving way or even to tolerate its existence.

2. It doesn’t only mean that we must admit to our mistakes, apologize to those we may have transgressed against, and attempt to make redress whenever possible. ~ Accept not only that the action was wrong but also fully accept the consequences for it. Where possible, voluntarily and willingly repair the damage done. ~ Yes, that’s a part of it, too. (And, as a sideline, we must remember that a part of THAT involves forgiving ourselves as well as others. Often, even after others have forgiven us for a mistake we made that impacted upon them, we continue to feel guilty and/or to punish ourselves. We must all, regardless of our spiritual path, learn that lesson. There is no sense in continuing to flog ourselves for a wrong we have made every attempt to right.) But witches cannot meet the requirements of “Embrace your own darkness” by confessing the "sin", requesting absolution, performing the penance, and accepting forgiveness. Difficult as all of that can be, it is only the first half of meeting the obligation of being a witch. We do not believe that it is possible for anyone, divine or not, to make reparation for another. We are expected to improve and transcend by ourselves; for ourselves. A witch is on her own before her goddess; there is no savior to intercede for her. She must be the savior of her own soul. She must honestly desire spiritual improvement. She may make the same mistake over and over, continuously accepting the consequences, attempting to right her own wrongs, but if she is not improving each time, she is wasting her own potential and slowing her own spiritual progress. I saw an anonymous quote once that I believe encapsulates this part of the concept very well ~ "If it's an event, get through it; if it's a pattern, get out of it." "Continuous improvement" is not only a total quality management technique; it is the goal of every witch.

“Young” witches (and by that I am referring to those who are “new to the craft” rather than below a specific chronological age) have often asked me how to begin to recognize flaws to be acted upon. It is my own personal belief that the things we most dislike about another person ~ traits that most annoy and irritate us ~ are what we most dislike about ourselves. So, if you’re not sure where to start, begin by examining those you dislike and meditate upon the reasons for that dislike. We sometimes consciously judge others when we are subconsciously sitting in judgment on ourselves.

3. To move slightly away from the unsavory aspects of our own characters, “Embrace your own darkness” is not only about making fewer mistakes (committing fewer "sins") and improving personal flaws but also about mastering personal fears.

It is not sufficient to admit to your fears while allowing them to continue festering within. Admitting to each fear is difficult. Like recognizing mistakes and accepting the consequences for them, none of us easily admit that particular people, situations, or scenarios frighten us.

Facing each fear is even more difficult than admitting to it. To someone who fears the absence of light, being left alone in darkness is torture. It takes real courage to face an admitted fear and should never be inflicted upon another. Facing a fear must be a voluntary action.

It takes even more courage to take the final step of mastering that fear; eradicating it from yourself. A witch is not only encouraged but also expected to do so. Harboring fear, allowing it to persist within, is failure. You cannot do that which you are entrusted to do as a witch if you hold fear within. Each fear is a weakness in your armor and will most definitely be used against you. Cast as strong a circle as is imaginable, maintain as impenetrable a shield as is possible; if you are fearful, you remain vulnerable.

And I suppose the reason I’m blogging on “Embrace your own darkness” today is that writing about it is one of my ways of personally performing it. Like dissecting a frog to gain a better understanding of anatomy, writing about what it means and how to do it has helped me to better understand why I torture myself each weekend.

I have recognized my greatest fear. I have taken the next step of facing it. In fact, I have been facing it, on one level or another (sometimes superficially, as if glancing upon it quickly; sometimes profoundly, as if staring challengingly into its eyes to see who blinks first), each weekend for far too long a time.

I have, however, been steadfastly avoiding mastering it. I know, you see, that mastering this particular fear may have repercussions along my entire emotional spectrum. Like dropping a pebble into a pond, I’m not sure how far the ripples will radiate or what might change as a result.

What I have admitted to myself today is that, no matter how often I face my greatest fear, or how deeply I look into its eyes, tolerating its existence is an unforgivable weakness. Mastering it cannot be avoided by a change in circumstance. It will continue to fester in my soul, making me vulnerable, even after the current situation changes. No matter what or how much is affected by the obliteration of it, it must be vanquished. Otherwise, even after my currently slightly overcast path emerges into bright sunlight (as I have absolute faith that it will), my own darkness will continue to dart from the forest on one side to the forest on the other, counting coup on me each time it passes, causing me to stumble each time it strikes, until I finally fall, at which time it will ruthlessly sink its rabid teeth deeply into my exposed jugular.