Behavioral Genetics in the Era of the Social Network?

I was reading an article early this afternoon on behavioral genetics that gave birth to so many questions and resultant trains of thought that it has occupied my mind most of the day. The particular question that most interested me has to do with the differences between men and women with regard to the opinions of others and where it has led.

Women, from the time we are children, seem overly consumed by the strong desire (sometimes a crucial need) to be popular, admired, well thought of, etc. Even by those we don’t particularly think highly of. It is almost as if we cannot see our true reflection; we judge ourselves instead by the opinions of others. “He says I am pretty, therefore I am attractive.” “She says I am intelligent, therefore I am smart.” Much more disastrously, of course, are the negative judgments. “She says I am fat, therefore I am overweight, regardless of what the scales read.”

Men, on the other hand, seem to judge themselves by their deeds. “I beat him in that race, therefore I am fast.” “I carried my sister on my back, therefore I am strong.” Negative judgments are so much easier to dismiss for a boy. “He said I am weak but I can carry my sister so he's wrong.”

I’m not a psychologist. And observations, unless made in a controlled way with many test subjects, are just personal opinion. But IF this is correct, I wondered WHY. Does it have to do with evolution? Is it a throw-back to a time when women, biologically weaker and given to periods of extreme vulnerability (pregnancy, for example), needed the protection of a man/clan to ensure survival? A man, then at least, didn’t need to be liked to survive from adolescence until he became incapable. A woman, on the other hand, needed to attract and retain a mate, not only to become pregnant but to survive pregnancy. Insurance was being well thought of by a clan, in case of the death of her mate. The more desirable females attracted the superior mates/clans, gaining protection during vulnerability, and ensuring her genes were passed to future generations.

Of course, “desirable”, like “beauty”, is in the eye of the beholder. What was considered a desirable woman just a few decades ago differs wildly from what is considered desirable today; imagine how much different a beautiful woman from the dawn of civilization would be from today’s version. Also, in the modern world, an intelligent or resourceful woman, despite her “desirability”, can survive and ensure the survival of her genes. Yet, it seems to me, women are still caught in this evolutionary snare. We still want to be liked, whether or not we need to be.

The real tragedy, it seems to me, lies in what some women are willing to do/become in order to gain acceptability. You need spend only an hour on Facebook to become completely nauseated by my entire gender. The pleas for attention are rampant. Some seem to have made playing the victim role their life’s goal, pouring out their hearts about how vilely they were treated by others so people will “like” their post or provide a virtual {hug}. Others seem to believe sexual availability is the ticket, posting profile pictures verging on the obscene, advertising (I can think of no better word for it) what they have done/are willing to do, (let’s not limit it to) “in the bedroom”. While in some situations, neither behavior might be considered bizarre, when it is taken into consideration that the “friends” of most of the women who behave in this way are complete strangers, I find it deeply disturbing.

Embrace Your Own Darkness

If witches can be said to have a set of commandments by which they are meant to live, arguably “Embrace your own darkness” is the most crucial. In conversation with other witches, I have occasionally wondered if some of them have moved beyond speaking the words to grasping the concept behind those words. I know for certain that the few outside of the community who have heard the expression have little idea of the depth, complexity, and difficulty of this “commandment”.

One way of fully understanding the immensity of the phrase is to begin by examining several components of it in an "it doesn't only mean" fashion.

1. It doesn’t only mean to accept that you are human; a flawed creature who must make mistakes (perhaps the same one repeatedly) in order to learn life’s lessons. That IS a small part of it, but only the tip of the iceberg. That tip is, I find, what most non-witches believe is meant by the expression. I suppose I can understand WHY they believe that to be the case. If you just look at the individual words involved, “Embrace your own darkness” could be misconstrued as meaning “Accept there is some darkness at your core”. That sounds almost as if it is to be celebrated and is most certainly not the case. “OK, I make mistakes. I have faults. Everyone does. I’m going to embrace that fact and move on.” To embrace it, in the context of the "commandment", certainly does NOT mean to hold it in a loving way or even to tolerate its existence.

2. It doesn’t only mean that we must admit to our mistakes, apologize to those we may have transgressed against, and attempt to make redress whenever possible. ~ Accept not only that the action was wrong but also fully accept the consequences for it. Where possible, voluntarily and willingly repair the damage done. ~ Yes, that’s a part of it, too. (And, as a sideline, we must remember that a part of THAT involves forgiving ourselves as well as others. Often, even after others have forgiven us for a mistake we made that impacted upon them, we continue to feel guilty and/or to punish ourselves. We must all, regardless of our spiritual path, learn that lesson. There is no sense in continuing to flog ourselves for a wrong we have made every attempt to right.) But witches cannot meet the requirements of “Embrace your own darkness” by confessing the "sin", requesting absolution, performing the penance, and accepting forgiveness. Difficult as all of that can be, it is only the first half of meeting the obligation of being a witch. We do not believe that it is possible for anyone, divine or not, to make reparation for another. We are expected to improve and transcend by ourselves; for ourselves. A witch is on her own before her goddess; there is no savior to intercede for her. She must be the savior of her own soul. She must honestly desire spiritual improvement. She may make the same mistake over and over, continuously accepting the consequences, attempting to right her own wrongs, but if she is not improving each time, she is wasting her own potential and slowing her own spiritual progress. I saw an anonymous quote once that I believe encapsulates this part of the concept very well ~ "If it's an event, get through it; if it's a pattern, get out of it." "Continuous improvement" is not only a total quality management technique; it is the goal of every witch.

“Young” witches (and by that I am referring to those who are “new to the craft” rather than below a specific chronological age) have often asked me how to begin to recognize flaws to be acted upon. It is my own personal belief that the things we most dislike about another person ~ traits that most annoy and irritate us ~ are what we most dislike about ourselves. So, if you’re not sure where to start, begin by examining those you dislike and meditate upon the reasons for that dislike. We sometimes consciously judge others when we are subconsciously sitting in judgment on ourselves.

3. To move slightly away from the unsavory aspects of our own characters, “Embrace your own darkness” is not only about making fewer mistakes (committing fewer "sins") and improving personal flaws but also about mastering personal fears.

It is not sufficient to admit to your fears while allowing them to continue festering within. Admitting to each fear is difficult. Like recognizing mistakes and accepting the consequences for them, none of us easily admit that particular people, situations, or scenarios frighten us.

Facing each fear is even more difficult than admitting to it. To someone who fears the absence of light, being left alone in darkness is torture. It takes real courage to face an admitted fear and should never be inflicted upon another. Facing a fear must be a voluntary action.

It takes even more courage to take the final step of mastering that fear; eradicating it from yourself. A witch is not only encouraged but also expected to do so. Harboring fear, allowing it to persist within, is failure. You cannot do that which you are entrusted to do as a witch if you hold fear within. Each fear is a weakness in your armor and will most definitely be used against you. Cast as strong a circle as is imaginable, maintain as impenetrable a shield as is possible; if you are fearful, you remain vulnerable.

And I suppose the reason I’m blogging on “Embrace your own darkness” today is that writing about it is one of my ways of personally performing it. Like dissecting a frog to gain a better understanding of anatomy, writing about what it means and how to do it has helped me to better understand why I torture myself each weekend.

I have recognized my greatest fear. I have taken the next step of facing it. In fact, I have been facing it, on one level or another (sometimes superficially, as if glancing upon it quickly; sometimes profoundly, as if staring challengingly into its eyes to see who blinks first), each weekend for far too long a time.

I have, however, been steadfastly avoiding mastering it. I know, you see, that mastering this particular fear may have repercussions along my entire emotional spectrum. Like dropping a pebble into a pond, I’m not sure how far the ripples will radiate or what might change as a result.

What I have admitted to myself today is that, no matter how often I face my greatest fear, or how deeply I look into its eyes, tolerating its existence is an unforgivable weakness. Mastering it cannot be avoided by a change in circumstance. It will continue to fester in my soul, making me vulnerable, even after the current situation changes. No matter what or how much is affected by the obliteration of it, it must be vanquished. Otherwise, even after my currently slightly overcast path emerges into bright sunlight (as I have absolute faith that it will), my own darkness will continue to dart from the forest on one side to the forest on the other, counting coup on me each time it passes, causing me to stumble each time it strikes, until I finally fall, at which time it will ruthlessly sink its rabid teeth deeply into my exposed jugular.

I have learned to kayak!

I have been having such a great time!

It started last night with a visit from Wendie.  We stayed up until 3, talking and doing a little bit of light drinking (beer for her, wine for me).  And I do mean little and light.  I was only finishing my second glass of merlot as she was leaving.  I really enjoyed our time together!

Then this morning, the lovely Dana texted me to ask if I'd like to go kayaking with her and Dave.  I was a little reluctant.  I love swimming but hate most other forms of exercise.  Unless there's a much better reason than physical fitness, I don't like to sweat!  Paddling a little canoe around a body of water sounded like work to me.  It only took her assuring me they had no intention of doing laps ~ they do it more for the fun and relaxation than exercise ~ and I was hopping into the shower to get ready.

A brief stop at Sheetz to pick up a lazy picnic lunch and off we went.

It was very hot and very sunny when we arrived at Canoe Creek.  As I watched them readying the paddles and kayaks, I acknowledged to myself that I would most likely be righting the thing several times after tipping it over.  I mean, let's face it, I am not the most graceful of creatures.  I am normally fairly conversant with balance but grace? Passing acquaintances, at best.  But, what the hell, right?  If you're going to make a fool of yourself, it may as well be with people you love and know well.  ;-)  (Just for the record, I didn't tip once so apparently you can compensate for a lack of grace with a good sense of balance in a kayak.)

There were so many beautiful sights and I really minded not being able to photograph them.  Sure I was going to end up upside-down, I left my camera in Dave's truck.  There was a huge turtle floating on the water's surface, basking in the sun, for one thing.  As I approached it, it took a gulp of air and began to dive.  The thing's shell was about 3 feet in diameter!  It was wonderful to see!  And there were pockets of flowering lily pads.  Although I didn't see any, I could certainly hear the frogs.  There were mallards on the water and, that, too was a welcome sight I hadn't seen in a while.  And finally, the underwater plants and fish were so lovely!  The plants were tall and green with red tips on their leaves.  The fish were brightly colored and very pretty, although I'm not sure what kind.  (About the only fish I recognize are rainbow trout and catfish; these were neither.)

Of course we stopped at the beach area to swim.

After eating, we decided to head home.

Thanks so much, Dana and Dave, for gifting me with a new passion!  I absolutely loved kayaking!

On the way to my house from theirs, I made another stop at Sheetz, this time for a frozen drink.  The drink waited for me in the freezer while I was having a second shower and then slathering moisturizer on my sun-burnt skin.  Now, drinking it while I blog, I'm planning a nap before getting back up to enjoy what I hope will be a cool evening.

And, yes, one of my plans for this evening is to look online for an inflatable kayak (the first kind Dana bought while learning).  I guarantee I'm going to be spending a lot of time in it over the next several weeks.  ;-)

Modern International Transportation

I have sevral unanswered questions this morning and I suspect the reason is that the convenience of the customer, who is paying for the service, is not high on the priority list of either airlines or airports.

Why do airlines expect passengers to arrive 2 - 3 hours before a flight is due to depart?  Considering I live a 2-1/2 hour drive from the nearest international airport and must allow for possible traffic problems, this baseless edict suggests I must leave home 6 hours before my flight is due to depart. Hence I am sitting at my gate at 10:30, having manually checked in and passed through security, and will continue to do little but that until 1:37.

Are these people aware no arrangements are in place to accommodate smokers within the secure area?

Why must I fly west in order to arrive at my chosen destintion to the east? There are no direct flights from Pittsburgh to London. I must spend 1-1/2 hours flying to O'Hare in order to spend 1-1/2 hours awaiting a flight to Heathrow. I'm adding another 3 hours to my traveling day for no good reason. Surely it would make more sense for Chicago passengers to stop in Pittsburgh to pick me up on their way to London than for me to head west to Illinois then fly back over Pennsylvania.

Have I mentioned the lack of consideration for smokers who are trapped with an unsatisfied addiction once we've passed through security?

Having just learned that, if you approach the right member of airport staff in the right way, you will have imparted to you knowledge of the secret place where you can sneak off to have a cladestine cigarette within th secure area, I am now feeling remarkably happier with modern international transportation.  After all, 100 years ago, this same journey would have meant at least a week at sea.

We Write Worlds interview

I so enjoyed it the first time, I did another author interview. This time it was with an American site, We Write Worlds and was with the very wonderful Alyse Bingham. Thank you, Alyse, for such a lovely experience!

MONDAY, JANUARY 23, 2012

Author Interview with Deborah Bonnar

1. Why do you write?

You've asked me why I write as if I have a choice in the matter. There's so much constantly going on in my head ~ stories starting or picking up in mid-stream ~ that I think NOT setting them down would be impossible for me.  Even while I'm writing one book, I'm jotting notes for another.  I LOVE writing even more than I love reading and you'd have to understand my thirst for books to know how deep that goes.

2. How many books have you written?

I've completed three, a trilogy, and am working on a fourth. My trilogy is called Sarah's Story and consists of Maiden, Mother, and Wise Woman. It's hard to label genre-wise so I try not to. For me, it's a story I needed to tell and I hope I've done it justice. It's somewhat fantastic but I'm encouraged by reader reviews saying they believed in the characters and the events so much that they continue thinking about the characters after finishing the final book and wondering what they're up to.

3. What inspired you to write your (latest) book?

I'm planning to surprise with the book I'm writing now so I think I'll continue talking about the three I've finished, if that's alright. To be honest, in a rather odd way the Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer inspired me. Although I really enjoyed all four of her books and can't understand the Twilight-bashers out there, my concept of a vampire is very different from hers. I wanted one that made more sense to me, scientifically speaking. I also wanted one that wasn't quite so full of angst and regret, as so many "recent" vampires have been.  That led me to think about other literary vampires, witches, and supernatural creatures. Although I think Anne Rice's Lestat is fabulous and her Mayfair Witches are legendary, even they weren't what I was seeing in my mind's eye. And so I started sketching out my own concept, which led to the birth of Silvanus, one of my two main characters.

4. What is your favorite genre to read?

I am with books as I am with music and movies ~ I love everything. Maybe that's why my own books don't fall easily into a particular category.

5. Is your writing style at all influenced by those of your favorite authors?

I'm not sure this counts as being influenced by him but I've always loved the way Stephen King writes.  You're not so much READING one of his books as listening to him (and his characters) tell you stories.  And, no matter how outlandish one of his plots might seem from a blurb, you absolutely believe in his characters and storylines as you're immersed in his novels.  I know he's a huge bestseller and an icon but I don't think that man can possibly win too many awards or be too celebrated as an author.

6. Which is your favorite book that you’ve written?

My next one! Seriously, I suppose Mother is my favorite. Maiden was a lot of fun; I enjoyed introducing Sarah and Silvanus. But I'm not much of a secret-keeper and I had to try hard not to look too far ahead; to keep the reader guessing about what was coming up next. I think I did a good job of that as readers tell me that, each time they thought they knew what was going to happen next, it didn't. Given my nature, I take that as a great compliment. And writing Wise Woman was fun, too, but there was always that niggle at the back of my mind that Sarah's Story was coming to an end ... and I didn't want it to. 

7. What is your opinion of the art of writing?

Writing is as varied as people. Each author has a unique voice and something important to say. All people do but few invest the time and energy in setting down the stories they have to tell.

8. What advice would you give someone who is just beginning their own novel?

I honestly think the best piece of advice is to NOT listen to anyone's advice. If you converse with ten successful authors, you'll get ten different versions of the best way to write a book. I believe each author needs to find his or her own best way of doing it just as each person needs to find his or her own best path through life.

9. Do you have any funny and / or interesting stories about how you’ve come up with plots or characters?

I don't know if anyone will find it funny or interesting but I'll tell you how I do it. Creating Silvanus was easy. I knew what I thought a vampire should be. I also knew the kind of man I find attractive and sexy. And I've long had a fascination with late Republican Rome. There he was, in all his glory, fully formed.  Sarah was a bit more difficult. I wanted her to be strong and independent yet sensitive. I needed to find a way of making it believable that a creature like Silvanus would fall in love with her; what would he find fascinating? At the same time, I needed her to be supremely curious and a little ruthless in her own right. I didn't want her seeking immortality solely to spend forever with Silvanus and I didn't want her to leave all the "dirty work" to him. I wanted her to be a witch but I also wanted to raise questions about the characters of gods and goddesses in the way that The Prophesy raised questions about the characters of angels.  As for the plot, it wrote itself. Once I had the characters as I wanted them, it was more like watching what they did and setting it down to share with others.

10. Coke or Pepsi?

This is the most difficult question you've asked me as I like them both. Can I be really specific and answer Vanilla Coke?

You can find Deborah's books on Amazon, as well as keep up with her on herblog or MySpace.

My very first author interview

I had my first author interview ... with MusikDIV India!  Yeah, someone asked ME a bunch of questions!  Someone in India!  How cool is that?!  I wanted to ask questions back ... but apparently that's not the way it works.  ;-)  


Anyway, if you want to read it, here's the link to the transcript:


MusikDIV India Online Magazine

Self-Promotion

I am a writer. I love writing. I hate selling myself. I know I don't do it well. I can write volumes in praise of the work of other authors but when I try to discuss my own books, I find myself feeling like a braggart. I believe in my characters and story lines. I believe I write well. And just saying that much, I already feel as if my IQ is dropping with each letter I type ...


I'd like to talk about my books more but am immediately sidetracked by wondering if other writers experience the problem of not being able to easily slip into a recognized genre. I've added "tags" to my trilogy, Sarah's Story, trying to place it into the many genres in which it falls but have (fortunately!) received 5-star reviews from readers who have written things like, "I don't normally like {INSERT GENRE} novels but really enjoyed this one". 

I suppose the way in which I'd like to talk about my books is to say that I tell great stories. They're unlike any other stories you've ever read because you've never read ME before. :-) I've titled my trilogy Sarah's Story because that's what it is.

In Maiden (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0058TTV58), Sarah is introduced at the age of 13. She's a young teenager with a rare gift, an amazing personality, and a very big problem she can't solve on her own. Silvanus becomes her hero and, like Sarah, he's unlike anyone you've ever met before. He's a bit elusive, rather frustrating, and something of an enigma in Maiden (although he's more understandable in Mother and becomes a known quantity in Wise Woman). I can guarantee that every time you think you know where this book is heading, the plot will take an unexpected turn.

The second novel, Mother (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005H93H5E), picks up Sarah's life when she's in college. You'll journey with her from the Princeton campus to Ancient Rome, from a Manhattan apartment to the seaside community of Hannum, finishing with a terrifying physical assault on her in London. (Yes, you did read "Ancient Rome".) And, yes, at the completion of Mother, you will be dying to begin reading the conclusion of her story because I purposefully finished the book with a cliffhanger.

In the final book, Wise Woman (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005JQNCX2), Sarah earns the description. She has led a fantastic life but you will have believed everything that has happened to her just as you will believe that Sarah and Silvanus are real. You have shared their adventure just as you experience the events in the lives of your friends. As you begin the final chapter, you will force yourself to slow your pace because you won't want the story to end.

You may wonder how I decided upon what to say about my books since I've confessed I'm not skilled at selling myself. That part was easy. I have unashamedly raided the reviews of my readers.

I'd be really grateful if you'd have a look at my books. Read my reviews. "Look Inside". Then, of course, I hope you'll buy all three. :-)  They're exclusively available through Amazon.